"Airy's Isoblog"

2024年04月20日 (土)

Maybe I'll feel better if I start taking the days slower - as they come instead of trying to rush through them in an attempt to find a way to preoccupy myself?

I can't remember when the last time I just sat outside in the sun was or if it made me happy. Or when I last enjoyed a walk without feeling stressed out the entire time.

I thought my heart would unthaw with the onset of spring, but it just feels more frozen. I don't know why April has been such a hard month for me.

All I know is that I'm tired of these suffocating feelings. I want to feel free again.

I just don't know where to start...

2024年04月19日 (金)

I just feel so tired all the time.

I can hear people fighting right outside my house at the moment. It's not like it's not a regular occurrence around here, but that doesn't mean it's not annoying.

Nothing seems to relax me and the constant stress makes me feel like I'm going insane. I really don't know what to do to make it feel better...

I'm hoping the sunshine and the coming summer will help at least a little bit. I know last summer I was in a really bad place mentally, so I'm hoping I won't spend another year that way.

Every day feels the same and I just need an escape. There's less than a month until I turn 26 and it feels like life has just passed me by. Like the days just float away from me before I can grasp them in a meaningful way.

What do I need? What do I want? What do I do?

I feel like if I tell the people around me how bad it feels, I'll be judged and put down for it. Maybe it's better to just keep it to myself?

2024年04月17日 (水)

I'm currently working on a site for all of my art stuff so I don't have to rely on Carrd.

Today I feel a little better than I have the last few days, but not by much. If I could not think about the things that hurt me at all, maybe I would just feel better period.

Thinking about the project I have going with my little brother and childhood friend does bring me some joy, though. If I could do some drawing for that, maybe that would bring me some peace. I do very much miss drawing, but I don't really have something I could do digital pieces on, and that's what I mostly want to do.

But then, maybe if I just did some drawing period, I would feel a little lighter no matter what medium it was in? I did feel a little nicer after I did a little sketch on my phone last night...

Maybe all I need is a good distraction. Maybe I just need to throw myself into the things I love, even if I don't entirely remember what they are.

Maybe that will save me...

2024年04月16日 (火)

I don't know what will make me feel alright at this point. Maybe nothing will.

Maybe if I don't think about it, the feelings will go away. I can't even escape in my dreams anymore. I'm haunted everywhere I go.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was still asleep. The emotions I felt in the dream I had felt no different from the things I feel in my waking life and I hate that. I don't want to feel reality in my sleep.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

I know these are dreams I don't want to come to true, but I'm sure that they will some day. What will I do then? What will I feel then? What will I dream of after the nightmares become reality?

If I don't think about it, maybe it won't hurt me. Maybe I can harden my heart if I try hard enough.

But then, what is a life lived purposefully in the cold?

2024年04月15日 (月)

I've been feeling so low and I can't seem to pick myself back up.

I feel like I don't belong. Like I should be alone. Like I'm unworthy of love in even the smallest forms.

Even being offered help, I can't help wanting to push others away and hide from the world. Maybe there's just something wrong with me as a whole.

I feel like a terrible, worthless person with no redeeming qualities. Like the world would be better if I wasn't a part of it.

It's so easy to get lost in the feeling that the sun will never shine again, even knowing that couldn't possibly be true. The cold in my chest is eating me alive and I'm trapped in the feeling that I'll never be warm again. My skin cries for gentle touch and my heart cries for connection, but I keep my body and soul in a cage under the false belief that I will be protected from harm if I stay locked up tight.

I will never be free and I will never feel whole as long as I remain here in the dark where no one can reach me.

And yet I can't leave.

2024年04月13日 (土)

I feel awful today. I'm not entirely sure why.

Maybe it's because I had a really realistic and bad dream last night? I'm not really sure.

Everything just feels like so much lately and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know I should be more grateful for things I have now, but I just feel so empty...

Maybe nothing matters. Maybe I'll never get anywhere no matter what I do. Maybe dreams don't come true. Maybe it's just me that doesn't matter.

Nothing makes sense and I don't know why anything is happening. I've "lost my way" I suppose is the simplest way to put it. But then, is there even a way at all? Does anything I do make a difference?

Would it matter to anyone if I disappeared overnight? Would it matter to me? What's wrong with me?

If I could have anything, what would it be?

Does the answer to that question matter if I don't know what it is?

2024年04月12日 (金)

I ended up calling out from work today...

I just haven't been feeling well lately I guess. I'm not really sure why I've been so under the weather.

I wouldn't really call it a physical thing either. Maybe it's all in my head? I don't really know what to do.

I've been having bad dreams a lot, too. Mostly work dreams. Maybe work is really starting to affect me? It might just be the amount of stress I've been under.

I guess all I can do is hold out hope that tomorrow will be better.

2024年04月04日 (木)

I'm really looking forward to when the nice spring weather really starts sticking around.

I got some good pictures with my camera the other day and I'm really looking forward to getting to be able to take some more. I just need the sun and blue sky to be able to do that.

I love the summer time the most. I love when it's nice and warm out. I'm hoping that something really amazing will happen this summer, actually. Something unexpected and grand. Something beautiful.

I guess all I can really do is just keep hoping...

Maybe I'll actually get caught up on some of the books I've been putting off reading.

2024年04月01日 (月)

I can't believe it's already April...

Yesterday would've been my grandma's birthday, actually, and I remembered that when I was at the end of my long shift. I get so tired of checking out rude people at the registers all day, but there's not really anything I can do.

I have quite a few days off in a row this week, so maybe I'll be able to spend them doing something I enjoy?

I hope something good happens soon.

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